Redeemed: A Story of Grace, Loss, and Healing

Hey girl hey.... 

Have you been feeling shame, unworthiness, imperfection, disappointment, a failure, alone and the hopeless?

Well girl, listen here..

Now this is a story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside downand I'd like to take a minute just sit right thereI'll tell you how I became a kingdom daughter, set free of despair.  (Fresh Prince of Bel-air tune) 

The moment my life changed forever

At the age of 17, as I sat there in disbelief that the test showed two lines, positive "Pregnant", fear, shame, disappointment and failure slapped me in the face. I knew the consequences but didn't think it would happen to me. Only my boyfriend (now my husband) and I knew till I shared with a friend that there was no way I could be a mother at 17 and looked into all my options. But God had a different plan and this secret I thought I could keep, was no longer a secret. l I became very ill and ended up having to go to the ER.  When the ER doctor came in he said " Well Mr. Cox, the reason why your daughter has lost 20lbs in two weeks due to nausea and vomiting is because she is pregnant." My heart sank and failure, imperfection, and unworthiness all rushed to my chest, feeling like a ton of bricks just stacked on my chest making it hard to breathe. My dad was sitting next me at the foot of the bed and he put his hand on my foot and squeezed, "Well sweetheart way to go." smiled at me with the most loving and caring smile.  Now my mother, a woman who is strong in her faith,  I don't remember her first reaction. However, I told myself I'm a walking disappointment and she was ashamed of me. Come to find out, she was afraid of losing me, her daughter, because the pregnancy took a toll on my body. September 1998 my baby girl came into this world a month early but strong and fearless. 

Losing my parents

Three years later in July 2001, I was running through the Chicago airport with my moms bible in my arms, that was left in the car, as I approached the gate, only a few people left to board, and she was sitting there looking at me with a smile of peace on her face. I stood in front of her, winded and said " Ma your bible, why are you still here you need to get on the plane, she said I knew you'd come and bring my bible mija." The following month I got the call that she had passed "Sudden Death" they called it.  My life again got flipped-turned upside down. Life continued, and I made mistakes and did things I'm not proud of and lived in shame and unworthiness but I was able to get by day by day as I still had my dad, my rock, my supporter. Until July, 2013 my daddy passed away of colon cancer. Now this is the moment I felt my lowest, alone, and depression hit me so hard that it was debilitating. Depression and anxiety came over my life, like a plague, I was defeated and this affected my whole world around me.

Following the path 

Proverbs 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight."

Pushing through all the pain, mental attacks, I strived to be a perfectionist, seeking approval in others, hoping that if others see my worth and my dedication in all that I do, that I would feel the same about myself. Nope that did not happen because I did not believe all the good people said about me.  That only drained me until my brother strongly suggested therapy.

And so my journey to healing and dealing with past trauma started.

From Therapy, to attending women conferences, bible studies, to meeting wonderful people along the way and that is when I became part of something that would really change my life, I was led to Freedom Ministry and I'm forever grateful for my mentor Kassandra Morales for creating a safe place for me and my fellow sisters in Christ.

A safe place where I am surrounded by love, peace and freedom.

A safe place where I continue to have breakthroughs and healing. 

I am not alone as he has been with me this whole time. 

Trust the process

Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you."  declares the lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

Looking back now, God always had already redeemed me of sins.  My daughter brought so much joy to my parents, family and I. God chose me to be her mother  and this blessing from God helped me become the woman I am today. Today LET ME TELL YOU, I walk in my identity as a Kingdom daughter, set free of despair. It is a daily choice to continue to build my relationship with God. Let me tell you, He is such a gentleman, He stands at the door waiting for you to open it and let Him in. Surrender it all to Him. 

I am Redeemed!!!

Romans  8:28 " God will redeem you from all your iniquities, missteps, and afflictions."

He has redeemed us of our sins. No sin is to ugly for God! So surrender and repent. Now, take a moment and close your eyes, (but do it okay) well,  I guess it would be hard if you're still reading this but do it after you read this, okay. 

Close your eyes, take a deep breath in and let it out.

Picture a beautiful sunny blue sky and there is Jesus standing on a beautiful hill, and the wind is brushing through the green grass and he has His arms extended out towards you. You lock your eyes on Him and feel this heavy pull in your chest, to walk towards him but the chains are so heavy it's hard to make that first step but you keep your eyes on him.

Take one step at time, push thru the pain and with every step towards Him, you hear the chains breaking, falling behind you and you start to feel lighter as the strongholds break off, keep your eyes on Him till you fall to your knees of exhaustion and you surrender it all him and lay it all down at this feet. You look up and fall into his loving arms because those chains are gone, you are free, you are enough, you are loved and you are chosen.

You can feel FREEDOM and PEACE and he whispers ever so softly in your ear " It. is. finished." 

A quote from a book by Jennie Allen "Untangle your Emotions" "The hard stuff actually is building us into who we are as the apostle Paul knew so well: We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappointment, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the holy spirit who was given to us."

You got this, one day at a time, one faith step at a time. 

Karina Cardenas

P.S. a week ago my daughter came over to celebrate my birthday and when I opened my gift it was a one of my favorite pictures of her and I when she was about 3 and the frame said #1 MOM. God's confirmation  that I am Redeemed.