I'm Still a Mother: Finding Grace After Abortion

Esmeralda Locke
May 12
4 min read

There are moments in life when we quietly carry a pain too heavy to name.

For some of us, that pain comes from a decision we never imagined we’d make—the decision to end a pregnancy.

I was young, confused, selfish and broken. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t feel prepared. I didn’t feel worthy. I didn’t feel like I could be a mother and quiet honestly I only cared about how myself. I was immature and only thought about myself. And in that place of fear and rejection, I made a decision that would leave a silent ache in my heart for decades.

For a long time, I convinced myself that it never really happened. I buried the memory deep within me, thinking if I didn’t speak of it, it wasn't real. Except it was! The shame lingered and the guilt whispered. It was the silent whisper that would show up each time I had a prenatal appointment and the OB Gyn would ask that new patient question. "How many pregnancies have you had?" Which always left me feeling shame. And though life went on, a part of my heart stayed frozen in that moment.

But friend, let me tell you something I’ve come to know deeply and personally:

God does not define us by our worst decisions,

He redeems them.

It took years, but the Lord began to gently reopen that chapter—not to condemn me, but to heal me. In His love, I learned that even though I had an abortion, I was still a mother.

The child I lost was still known, still loved, and still held in God’s hands.

And I was still called, still chosen, and still deeply loved, valued and forgiven in His eyes.

If you've walked this path too, please hear my heart:

You are not alone

You are not disqualified

You're still a Mother

Motherhood is not erased by mistakes we made. The fact that our babies had little heartbeats, arms, legs, and a tiny body defines us a mothers. We provided for a short time nutrients, and a place to grow—a reflection of the nurturing, life-giving spirit God placed inside of us as women. And even if you didn’t raise that child, even if the world never saw them, God did.

He sees them and He sees you.

You may feel disqualified to call yourself a mom, but I want you to know—it doesn't. You might feel the pain of regret, but God can take the all of your pain and heal you, if you release your private pain.

In fact, God can use your story to bring hope to someone else.

How do I know? Because I experienced that. I was in a women's conference when another mother grabbed the mic and began to tell her abortion story for the first time. And along with 200 other women the Lord tenderly reach into the deepest part of my heart and uproot the secret I thought I would never tell.

It confronted me in the most beautiful and unexpected way. I began to feel a deep love for this baby, and as tears rolled down my cheeks I deep scream surfaced and I began to mourn and healed simultaneously. I felt pure love and forgiveness saturate my heart like gooey sticky oil. Not easily washed away. His love covered me and freed me and He can and wants to free you.

If you're carrying shame or regret, I invite you to bring it to the feet of Jesus. There, you will not find judgment—you will find mercy. You will not find rejection—you will find restoration.

Let Him hold the parts of you you’ve been too afraid to show.

Guess what friend, He already knows and He still loves you.

“I have deeply loved you with a forever-love;

that is why I have been so patient and kind

to draw you to my heart.

You are precious to me, and I will build you up again."

Jeremiah 31:3,4

Post-Abortion Healing:

Come boldly to God’s throne of grace. You don’t have to hide from Him. Hebrews 4:16 says we can approach His throne with confidence, to receive mercy and find grace in our time of need.
Speak the truth out loud. Confession isn't about condemnation—it's about freedom. 1 John 1:9 promises that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Receive His forgiveness. Forgiving yourself may be the hardest step, but it’s essential. Jesus paid the price for all sin—including this one.
Allow yourself to grieve. That child mattered. And so do your emotions. God is not afraid of your grief. In fact, He collects your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).
Know you're still called to love. Your future is not canceled. Your voice still matters. Your purpose still stands.